I recently read Robin Dunbar’s book Friends: Understanding the Power of Our Most Important Relationships.  Dunbar, a Professor at Oxford, is well known for his concept known as Dunbar’s Number. Dunbar discovered that the number 150 reoccurs at astounding regularity within the size of human groups. 

Dunbar, an evolutionary psychologist, posits that our brains are only able to keep track of around 150 relationships.

The book itself was a fascinating look at the science behind human relationships and why we have certain relationships.  Dunbar’s curiosity and general since of joie de vivre is evident as he walks through study after study he has been involved with, supported, or helped tee up about human relationships. Prolific does not begin to describe the man’s research career.

My favorite part of the book was Dunbar’s discussion of the typical numbers of relationships people have.  

Based on his research, these relationships fall into ‘rings.’ These rings reappear regularly in Dunbar’s research. They are:

• Closest relationships – 1.5 people- typically most men’s closest is their spouse and woman have their spouse and often a “best friend forever”
• Close friends – 5 – if you got a bad diagnosis – this is who you’d call
• Support network – 15 – people you see with some degree of regularity
• Social – 50 – if you were to throw a party, this is who you’d invite
• Max – 150 – aka “Dunbar’s number” – the average size of a Christmas card mailing list

These rings and their size are exceptionally helpful to level set was reasonable expectations for friendships in adulthood. We all know that friendship in middle school is a hot mess.  But adulthood is no cakewalk either.  The conflicting demands of work, a marriage, children, leaves scant time (and energy!) for friendships. It is well known that society writ large is suffering from an ‘epidemic of loneliness.’ 

So if research can help parameterize what is ‘normal,’ how do we go about building relationships and where will the time come from?

Can we reduce active parenting?

A study from the University of California found that parents are spending significantly more time with their children than in the 1960s – almost double in most cases.  Some portion of this increase feels healthy and a needed correction from the at times ‘benign neglect’ of prior generations parenting styles. 

That said, it is not all good. A lot of this increase is due to helicopter parenting, and represents excessive involvement in the lives of our children.  In fact, this engagement could have a negative influence by limiting the ability of the children to individuate, spend time with peers, and interact other adult figures (teachers, coaches, pastors, etc) that can be supportive of their development.

Or as a psychologist I heard speak recently at a conference summarized – we as parents should all be doing less for our kids!

For those reading in the throws of early stage parenting, Dunbar highlights that after these intense periods that are more isolating, there is a rebound period to reinvest in existing relationships, as well as grow new ones.

How do we build friendships?

Not surprisingly, the key ingredient to friendship is time. Dunbar highlights that time is a meaningful contributor to relational closeness.  In fact, he even goes on to suggest that there are indicative numbers of hours required to build relationships of depth.

If we want more (or better) friends – we have to make the time to invest in them.

For men, this relational develop generally occurs in the ‘doing’ of things.  Share interest, hobbies, activities and outings are seminal in importance for the cultivation of male friendship. 

Perhaps, the overwhelming question in all this is if I’m ‘normal’?  Or as Mindy Kaling titled her book ‘Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?’  

Dunbar’s book was an interesting unpacking of such a critical dimension of life. In my own life, it has been helpful to think about the rings of friendship and where am I being intentional to find the time to build relationships that are important.